Can Romantic Chemistry Be Created?
Can you imagine landing a dream date with Michael "Bae" Jordan?
He's dressed in his finest Ferragamo suit. He takes you out to an expensive dinner, complete with all of the chivalrous moves like holding the door and pulling out your chair. And to top it off, the shine from his smile is blinding you just enough to occasionally block the view of his dimples, which are literally melting your draws off from underneath your dress. It's perfect. You've landed Hollywood's hottest man candy of the moment.
But, when you go to engage in discussion, you discover he's yellow Starburst material. He thinks that The Weeknd's latest album was garbage, he's never seen The Sixth Sense, and he thinks astrology is a waste of time.
While you're passionately explaining cusps and cardinal signs, you can see his eyes glazing over and it's then that you realize:
You have no chemistry.
Chemistry although often hard to define, is something we all know. It's that "click" you feel with someone, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, that affirms that they're your kind of person. It's a special connection with someone whose mind is equally blown after learning useless trivia like the eye and the vagina are the only self-cleaning organs. And the crazy part about chemistry is that there isn't much else that can make up for it.
All of the six-pack abs, bottom lip-licking in the world doesn't make it effortless to enjoy someone's company.
And the older I get, the more I realize that enjoying someone's company shouldn't require a huge amount of effort. If you're forcing smiles and easily distracted by Instagram, it might be a sign that your energy isn't a good mix.
So y'all know I love me some Married At First Sight, the Lifetime Show where relationship experts match two strangers who based on their lifestyles, interests, and personalities should be a match made in reality TV heaven. The most recent season made me think about chemistry and how much it's played a part in the relationships I've formed. Even with all of the pieces in place, like a shared love of Thai food, insatiable wanderlust, or a slightly unhealthy worship of any music involving Lil' Wayne, what I've learned from MAFS is that what you share in common interests can't make up for what you lack in chemistry.
Molly and Jonathan were one couple featured on the show who, although they had a lot in common, struggled to find chemistry and ultimately decided to go their separate ways. The couple was matched based on qualities and interests they had in common, but decidedly never consummated the marriage and seemed to go from cocktails and light conversation to slut-shaming in a matter of minutes. During the last few episodes, Jon shared that he was just as confused as everyone else why something that seemed to be a perfect match never quite took off:
"I don't know [why it didn't work]. It just didn't work for her at any point, so don't ask me. I was just there."
"Molly and I get along. We can sit in a room, we can go have drinks, we can get along. We are the same person, and so that's where everyone is confused and where Cal is confused. And I'm sitting there like, 'This has been my frustration the whole time.' When she goes, 'I don't like you,' but [I'm thinking], 'I am you!'"
One thing that stands out to me is that being in someone's company isn't the same thing as enjoying their company.
You ever been in a situation where you realize you aren't experiencing something with someone as much as you're just occupying the same space? I recently looked back at a friendship and realized although I had someone I thought was a BFF because we did everything together, we weren't really making any memories together. I thought about the number of times I'd be at a concert singing until my lungs were sore while she scrolled through her phone the entire time. I recalled the jokes I had to explain because she had no context for them. After a while, it became clear to me that the amount of time I spent actually enjoying the friendship didn't nearly measure up to the amount of time I forced myself to make it work.
But what does chemistry look like? In one word: Effortless.
It's not as much about having something in common with someone as it is your ability to balance them. I've dated men who had that Drake charisma going on, and whose looks would momentarily distract from the fact that we didn't have a damn thing to talk about. But in the end, I ended up marrying the guy I fell in love with on a pull out sofa in the living room cracking up over the "Safety Training" episode of The Office. The guy who knows to belt out "North Carolinaaaa!" when I tell my toddler to stop acting like Petey Pablo while she swings her t-shirt over her head. He gets my random references. He knows exactly who I'm throwing shade at when I give him the side eye after we pull up to a light and a dozen people cross. (It's the dude strolling casually like he's too cool to catch some of this windshield when the light turns green).
Most importantly, it's a level of understanding and likeability that doesn't require a whole lot of explanation.
But what if you're like Molly and Jonathan with more bars than a Verizon commercial but somehow still unable to make a connection? Can chemistry be created? Furthermore, do you really need to instantly "click" with someone to go on to have a great relationship?
When it comes to romantic relationships, it depends on your priorities and how hard you want to work for it.
I've had relationships where the attraction wasn't instant, and while they weren't a complete waste, I didn't like the feeling of convincing myself that I should be into a certain person. Chemistry didn't eliminate problems or annoyances in my relationships, but it did make them a hell of a lot easier to get through. It's also worth saying that there are different types of chemistry, you can click with someone's personality although you may not have initially been attracted to them. In addition, you may find yourself sitting across the dinner table from "King Killmonger" himself and feel the mutual butterflies from the waist down.
But ultimately, if the only time you enjoy one another is when you're undressed, you might be limited to your choice of activities in the relationship, and I'm pretty sure shopping for throw pillows butt naked in Target is illegal. There's a reason why we're not all out here getting Nobel Prizes in science. Chemistry is hard, whether you're sitting in a classroom or a coffee shop. And while sparks don't exactly make or break relationships, what I have learned is that relationships are much more enjoyable when it doesn't feel like you're forcing any feelings.
And it's comforting to know that, dimples and all, Michael B. may not be for me if he can't appreciate the genius that is M. Night Shyamalan, but if Winston Duke wants to talk all things Unbreakable, I might have some time.
Featured image by Giphy
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Crystal Renay Is Prioritizing Healing, Her Kids, And Her Coins Amid Divorce
Crystal Renay is reclaiming her time and her identity after dealing with heartbreak. The model was married to Ne-Yo for seven years and they share three young children together. However, after a cheating scandal that resulted in a baby outside of their relationship, Crystal decided to end her marriage to the “So Sick” singer. Now, she is focusing on her bag and her kids. She is co-owner of Johnny’s Chicken and Waffles, launching a lip kit line, and is back on TV starring in the new WE TV reality series Bold & Bougie.
But it wasn’t an easy road, especially with reality TV. From the beginning, Crystal and her castmates bumped heads due to misconceptions and alliances with her ex-husband’s former partner, Monyetta Shaw. However, the mother of three exclusively tells xoNecole that she doesn’t regret her decision to join the show.
Crystal Renay
Photo courtesy
“Honestly, being in that space, we had a– you know, when you're first getting to know people, sometimes it can be smooth, and sometimes it can be rocky,” she says. “In our case, it was a little bit rocky and just getting to know each other, and I like to call it growing pains. And I felt like we had a couple of moments, but all in all, like the experience was really good for me, and I would do it over again.”
Crystal describes herself as “career-oriented” and says she is in her selfish season because she is now prioritizing herself first. But she admits that she is still healing from her divorce. The reality TV star shares some tips for others who may be going through the same thing.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation,” she says. “But we can't move off of emotion because 10 times out of 10, a few months later, you're not going to feel like that. So, I'm a firm believer in not doing things that I will regret later. So I would just say be patient with yourself and stay positive.”
While there may be an opportunity to find love again, that’s not Crystal’s focus at the moment. She is in the rebuilding phase of her life, emphasizing the importance of self-care, personal growth, and finding her own happiness. She has had her share of challenges, including dealing with negative emotions and the public's perception of her, but her priorities involve spending quality time with her children and running lucrative businesses.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation.”
“With my kids, I'm very hands-on. I’m team mother with soccer kids, and they don't really make no goals because they like five years old, but I'm there cheering them on every week,” she jokes. “I want to travel, especially this summer, with my kids and take them somewhere internationally because they're at the age where they can handle a long flight. So, me just spending more time and more new experiences with my kids is my main focus with them and showing them all the love that I could possibly give them.”
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Photo courtesy of Crystal Renay