I Had No Clue This Is What My Body Language Was Really Telling People About Me
The life of an introvert is not for the faint at heart.
I can be the first to admit, it looks super easy being chill, laid-back, and not having to be one of the many people contributing to a conversation with a group of proud extroverts. Shout out to the introverts that live for those moments when they can barely get a word in. Still, what I didn't realize is that non-verbal, body language has the potential to say way more than a group of people discussing the latest controversial hot topics. And unfortunately for me and others, it can send the wrong message at times. Thankfully, there's a solution for all of them.
My Body Language: Resting B**** Face (RBF)
What It Told People:
That I was a mean girl. I wasn't frowning but I wasn't exactly telling people, "Hey! Let's have a conversation and be friends." I was just… looking with a stale exterior. But what I found out is that I was communicating a handful of other things: I thought I was better than other people in the room, I didn't want to be in the room in the first place, or I wasn't even paying attention or engaged in what was going on because I didn't care.
How To Fix It:
Be intentional about smiling when you're in uncomfortable and awkward situations. While I have to warn you, you're probably going to feel awkward at first, it'll be a lot better than coming across as a mean girl, especially when you're not. Also, don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone and spark up a conversation with a stranger. I've learned that a great way to do this is to find something to compliment about them.
My Body Language: Hands That Were Too Tight To Clap Back
What It Told People:
That I was either ready to fight, or too nervous to function. There have been so many moments when I was in an intimidating situation when I looked down only to realize my hands were clenched together. There have even been times when I channeled my inner Arthur and made a fist without knowing it. While a little research showed me I was trying to have some sort of self-control, it told others that I was ready fight on sight.
How To Fix It:
Relax, girl! Gas yourself up in your head and be your biggest cheerleader. It's okay to be the introvert in the room, but don't let it cause you to be timid and tense up. In situations where it's appropriate, find an object to hold in your hand. Whether it's a pen, a cup, or your phone (just don't use it to swipe on social media), use an item to keep you distracted from whatever it is that is making you question and challenge yourself to the point you find yourself clenching up. Because you got this!
My Body Language: Avoiding Eye Contact Like The Plague
What It Told People:
I am a self-proclaimed terrible liar, but I can see why people would think I wasn't telling them the truth if I didn't look them in the eye. It's a little shady. Avoiding eye contact says a lot of things I don't want to communicate to friends or strangers. It could come across as an indication that I don't respect the person I'm talking to, that I'm ashamed about something, insecure, or awkward. That's ironic that me trying not to be awkward can come across as being awkward.
How To Fix It:
This is another situation when complimenting a stranger can help with your body language. Instead of being so focused on eye contact, tell them something so you both can relax, have a confident posture and demeanor, and be open to having a conversation that goes beyond yes and no answers. Another trick is to look at them in the space between their eyes. I've found that it's close enough to make it seem like you're looking them dead in the eye, but far away enough for you not to feel awkward.
My Body Language: The Classic Folding Of The Arms
What It Told People:
As comfortable as it is, I've learned the hard way that there's a time and place for folding my arms. Unfortunately, it just comes across as defensive, that I don't agree with something being said, or that I'm just closed off from any willingness to communicate or open up.
How To Fix It:
A simple answer is to find something else to do with your arms. If you're standing up, strike a pose and put one arm on your hip and the other by your side. This will help you open up and be more inviting. If you're sitting down, a good solution is just to keep your hands in your lap. If you're having a conversation with someone, don't be afraid to talk with your hands. This shows that you're not only a part of the conversation, but that you're interested in it, too.
Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorney and a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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