7 Things Every Bonus Mom Should Know
I got married in March and immediately jumped into Bonus Mom mode a few weeks later when our son, Dillon, came down to visit for spring break. From that trip, I said to myself, "Piece of cake! I've got this down packed!"
Oh, but summer came, and the first few weeks humbled me in ways that made me question if I was doing anything right!
Time went on and I gradually moved passed my "new mom" jitters. But along the way, summer grew me by teaching me what it means to be a bonus mom when you merge lives with a partner who has kids. Because I am still mastering these golden nuggets, writing this post is just as much positive reinforcement for myself as it is for you. And I believe drilling these things into your mind is a great way to keep you in a good space and help you grow as a bonus parent.
Read on to learn the seven things every bonus mom should know.
Expect An Adjustment Period
Since Dillon lives long distance, we miss out on the consistent interaction that I wish we had.
As summer started, I noticed that he seemed more disengaged from me than he was during his previous visit. This was initially disappointing because it felt like I was starting over. I wondered what triggered the relapse and even felt like I was spinning my wheels trying to build the relationship.
But as time passed, he couldn't help going back to the kid who crawls up next to me for movie night or asks if he can go with me to do random things. He drifted back to the carefree kid that talks my head off about the most recent happening that I should be in the know about.
Dillon went back to the car DJ who puts me up on what the young people are listening to these days. He started requesting family nights, sleepovers, and quality time. He went back to normal. And when I thought about it, he ALWAYS does.
From this thought, I realized that I should expect an adjustment period. It is different going from one house to another, especially when you add in the dynamic of a newbie being there. Although it never feels good when he is totally curving me, doing my part means being understanding to the adjustment until it turns into a seamless transition.
Kids Are Good Judges Of Character
I believe the reason that the bond between me and Dillon is always rekindled is because children are a good judge of character.
Children observe the way you care for them and how you respond to certain situations. I believe Dillon knows that I love him and that I will ensure that he has what he needs when he is in my care.
Why? He has seen it.
Children know how you feel about them by how you treat them. Keeping this at the forefront of your mind is a great way to avoid going crazy over all the small things that do not matter in the big scheme of things.
Be Consistent
Consistency is key with children.
Dillon taught me that children's expectations are based on repeated behaviors. For example, I am primarily responsible for being the fun parent.
Our first extended trip together consisted of me taking him to do a million and one things. I continued that tradition through the next few times we connected, so naturally, when he came down for the summer and I told him I actually had to work, he tilted his head to the side and said, "Oh, I get it. You are trying to surprise me! You're not serious right?"
Because I consistently did fun things when he came down, he was caught off guard by the idea of sitting still for a few days. It didn't matter to Dillon that he doesn't necessarily do fun things every day at home, it mattered that he felt I was being inconsistent.
My husband and I enrolled Dillon in more summer camps than he could fathom, alleviating pressure to balance work with a trip to the arcade or the trampoline park every day. However, this situation taught me the importance of consistency in everything I do with my son. That means loving him the same; trying the same; taking care of him the same; and reinforcing core principles the same.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Be dedicated to showing your bonus child who you are to them and how you feel about them. Be conscious of your influence. Ask yourself, "What am I teaching through my actions?"
Even when you do not realize it, you are consistently teaching your child something. Make sure that something is something worth teaching.
This summer, I consistently taught principles regarding good character. Almost every morning, I reminded Dillon to be a better person today than he was yesterday. I encouraged him to do at least one nice thing for someone throughout his day, and I stressed the importance of having a good attitude.
I reinforced my message so much that he eventually knew the spill before I said it. And even though Dillon may not understand why I consistently reiterate these concepts or repeatedly do certain things, it will make a difference in his view of the world as he grows older.
Parenting is a lot about molding your child to be the best that he can be. Choose a way to consistently help your child be better in some way.
Do It Your Way
Diving into parenting can be intimidating, especially when you are a bonus parent.
When Dillon first got here for the summer, my mind was cluttered with feedback and nervous anxiety about what the boundaries were for parenting. I wanted to be respectful of his biological parents, and truthfully, I didn't want to do anything that would make Dillon dislike me.
The first few weeks of his stay were stressful simply because I was tip-toeing around doing it my own way for fear of the outcome.
Eventually, I made the decision to use my own parenting style. I got this in my head and stuck with it. I developed my own routines, my own morning talks, my own techniques for discipline, and went with it. And guess what? Everyone survived!
Allow For Organic Relationship Building
Everything takes time. Do not try to force relationship building or get frustrated if it doesn't happen on your timeline. Let things happen organically. Allow your child to learn you better as you do the same. Find things that you have in common and take an interest in things that are important to the child.
Dillon and I bonded over something as simple as watching Avenger movies. He enjoyed talking to me about the movies and giving me background on the characters. Over time, this turned into our thing. Movie night was our way of connecting. It made him feel comfortable to talk to me about something that was on his level.
Nothing happened when I was trying too hard or wasting time worried about whether he liked me. Think about it this way: You are a good person. Why wouldn't someone like you after they get to know you? Keep that train of thought in your head and allow time to be your friend. Don't panic. You will get there.
Be Patient
Be patient with your child. It can be tough being a little person in a blended family. Kids pick up on things that adults think they are cleverly hiding. Sometimes the pressure of trying to make everyone happy can feel overwhelming. Try to understand the child's perspective and make the decision to do your part to alleviate that pressure in any way that you can.
Just as important, is being patient with you. You are new to this. Do not beat yourself up over mistakes or worry about how it will be viewed by others. Instead, do your best. Learn from your shortcomings, and focus on being a better parent every day.
You are more than capable of doing this! Don't let hiccups rain on your parade. Keep going!
*Article originally published on kandiceguice.com
Featured image by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images