"At My Last Job…" Why You Need To Stop Romanticizing Your Past
You may have been keeping up with the adventures of Issa, Molly, and friends on the third season of Insecure (and it you haven't this is your official spoiler alert).
What I've come to realize is that with each episode, I identify with a new character (the beauty of Insecure writers' room genius). Sometimes I'm Issa, frustrated and disgusted at my non-profit day job. Sometimes I'm Daniel, feeling defeated and creatively unappreciated. But in episode 3 entitled "Backwards-Like", Molly opened her mouth and surprisingly, she was me.
You're probably aware that Molly is off to a new firm with other lawyers that are a little more her complexion. Although just a few months ago, we witnessed a Molly that felt underpaid and unappreciated at her mostly white firm, we now see a Molly who realizes that with change comes being forced out of your comfort zone as she notices subtle differences in structure and organization and finds herself repeating, "At my last firm…" and asking, "Why do black-owned businesses always have to be on the struggle?"
First off Molly, I once worked at a place where we had to bring our own cutlery to work despite having a full kitchen and I must say her new law firm is looking pretty well-stocked on spoons among other things. Whether you're a lawyer or a lunch lady, any professional can relate to the stress and uneasiness that can come with navigating a new workspace, particularly as a woman of color.
There's the initial, "How many of us are there?" game you play for the first week as you determine the ratio of black people to white people. If the seven of you are clearly outnumbered by 36 or so of your melanin-challenged colleagues, you scout out what other marginalized groups you can include just in case ish goes down in the break room a day after the Botham Jean investigation hits the headlines. In those first few weeks, you try to gain a better understanding of the office culture: Do people usually eat at their desks, or can folks be seen regularly eating their Greek salads as a work family? Does the CEO treat the staff to happy hour every now and then, or do they sit in a glass tower choosing to communicate solely through email?
Still, despite the slow process of making sense of office politics, there's probably the slightest bit of excitement that every new person experiences, particularly if their last employment situation was toxic or pales in comparison to the new dream job they believe they've just landed. But here's the advice I give to myself and my peers when it comes to climbing the career ladder:
Every job has its share of BS, it's just what type of BS you want to deal with and how much of it.
In "Backwards-Like," we witness Molly excitedly dancing in her corner office, taking in the view from her panoramic proverbial corner office, surrounded by faces that reflect her own literal color and culture. But little by little, she learns that the comfort of not having to code switch at her new firm comes with some minor inconveniences.
Her office doubles as storage for her files (with no offsite option like her last firm). The new firm also uses a courier service several times a day to get documents signed instead of going digital and she has to log her billable hours by hand. What in the hot dog stand hell does this black firm have going on exactly? Of course, she responds to all of the inconveniences with, "At my last firm…" But the girls quickly remind her that she has to choose a struggle: Being paid less than your Caucasian counterparts but having the convenience to sign documents online vs. Being surrounded by people with whom the respect is mutual even if it means you have to store some filing bins beneath your desk.
I'm not exactly cashing in the coins as an attorney, but as I progress through the world of public health nonprofits in Philadelphia, I've recently found myself sounding a lot like Molly in the position I've been in as sexual health specialist for the past two years. It hasn't been the most glamorous job. I've been getting paid significantly less than I was in my previous position as a Communications and Outreach Coordinator. With the transition from working in a small staff of 15 to a larger staff of about 50, I was hopeful that there would be some considerable upgrades from my last employer. An actual HR department and not just a controller who worked one day a week seemingly phoning in with actual details about my benefits package. In the past year or so, I was reminded by my own sound advice: Same old s**t, just a different day in a bigger office with more personalities to juggle.
I had to catch myself before I began romanticizing a position that I fell out of love with at least a whole year before I was laid off. As much as I like to romanticize the past and compare all of the shortcomings of my current position to the past, the point is that my new employer is signing my paycheck. Does it mean I'll have to settle for a place that isn't for me for the rest of my life? No, but reminiscing about the glory days at a place that could no longer afford to pay me (and that as I understand has completely eliminated the position since then) wasn't exactly helping me grow into a better professional. I started to think about my career like I thought about my romantic relationships.
All the whining and comparing was doing me the disservice of gaining what I was able to from my current situation.
I wasn't able to take in anything positive from my current employer because I was too stuck in the past. And much like relationships, moving backwards in your career is rarely beneficial. You have to accept that things ended for a reason and keep moving forward. I also realized just because the past had its share of disappointments, didn't mean unfavorable situations would be eliminated from the future. What I did have to learn was to make the best of the positions I was placed in.
Hopefully, Molly will find her groove at her new gig, but that doesn't mean there won't be days when she's feeling like, "F**k this job." What I've recognized in all of this is that as fulfilling and gratifying as our 9-5's can be, they don't define us. And luckily for Molly, there's Coachella getaways with the girls, bourgeois ass baby showers to attend, and the occasional shot of Dro between the thighs that say as much about her life (if not more than) her resume.
Whether it's love or career, you can look back and appreciate the past without romanticizing it, because at some point they only thing it should have to offer is a good photo for #ThrowbackThursday.
- A Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others ›
- Why you should stop comparing yourself to others at work ›
- How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others ›
- 5 Signs You Haven't Let Go Of Your Old Job - Fistful of Talent ›
- How to Stop Comparing Your Current Self to Your Past Self | HuffPost ›
- Reasons to Stop Comparing Your Career to Others' - The Muse ›
- Are You In Love With Your Old Job, Still? | Monster.ca ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty