Ask Ayana Iman: Have I Outgrown This Relationship?
Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I've been in a relationship since freshman year of high school and I'm now in my late 20's and no longer feel the same attraction or love for the relationship. I haven't for a while but he's the only guy I've been with and the strong feelings of codependency, guilt, and sadness I feel when I think about leaving are too much for me to handle. How can I fix this?
Let's remove any shame that's overshadowing your most honest self. What you're feeling is normal. You've outgrown your boyfriend. His purpose has been served and your relationship has run its course. I'm sure you've experienced a lot together, but at this point all you have is years. Guess what? He knows it too. You don't always have to tell a person your feelings have changed; it's in your disposition, the way you handle things, or lack thereof.
Are you ready for change? The years that you've spent together have rewarded you with the growth and clarity you'll need to move forward. Whether you drag your feet or decide to leave now, the end is inevitable. Once you put that energy into the universe, it conspires to give you what you want and not always on your time. You have the power to leave amicably and reduce fallout by having an honest conversation. Take ownership of your feelings and let him know what's on your mind. You'd be doing both of you a huge disservice by trying to force this situation to work.
It's important that you understand you cannot control his actions but you can control your own. If he chooses to react emotionally, do not respond with the same energy. It's all about intent. If you intend to approach the situation with love and respect then that's all that matters. Try to resist emotional outbursts because all it does is cause stress.
I understand the feeling of codependency; you've spent all of your formative years with this person. But guess what? You still have a lot of life to live. Start 2019 fresh and reestablish the relationship you have with yourself. This is the time to reevaluate your likes and dislikes, try new things, go new places, and be free. There may be changes in your friendships because of the end of this chapter, so prepare accordingly. Your identity is not defined by this relationship, neither are your friendships. Be open to newness.
Again, what you are feeling is normal. You're not a bad person. It's okay to move forward.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I'm lost and feel stuck. I'm in need of guidance of aligning myself to have a fulfilled life with success. I don't know where to begin. Can you help? Currently using affirmations, but that's it.
If you're using affirmations, you're on the right path. This lets me know you're open to seeing change in your life. Here's the thing, affirmations without action produce no results. This means it is not enough to write your visions. You have to do the work, putting in the maximum amount of effort to see the fruits of your labor.
Start with your why. Why do you do the things you do?
Then follow with your what. What is your ultimate goal?
Next comes who. Who will you serve?
Define how. How will you get this done?
Once you've answered these questions, or at least have a general idea, you'll be in alignment with your spirit. This is what guides you and causes you to ask the questions that matter. These questions can apply to your career, family, hobbies, and so on.
No matter if you're in the low valley or on the mountaintop, I implore you to check in and ask yourself these questions. Always find room for gratitude and you'll have a fuller life.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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- How to End a Relationship You've Outgrown - YouTube ›
- 4 Signs You've Outgrown Your Partner, According To Therapists ›
- 8 Signs You Are Outgrowing Your Relationships — JaysonGaddis.com ›
- Outgrowing Things (or The Real Reason Your Relationship is ... ›
- The Truth About Outgrowing A Relationship | Thought Catalog ›
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- 7 Signs You've Outgrown Someone in Your Life | Psychology Today ›
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Robyn Dixon Confirms She Will Not Be Returning To 'The Real Housewives Of Potomac' After 8 Seasons
Robyn Dixon has officially confirmed the rumors of her exit from The Real Housewives of Potomac after eight seasons.
In the most recent episode of her podcast Reasonably Shady with co-host and her now former RHOP castmate and best friend Gizelle Bryant, Robyn revealed to listeners that Bravo did not ask her back. "It's reality. I was fired, for lack of better words," she said.
"And I will not sugarcoat the situation and say, 'Oh I am walking away' and this is a break or anything like this. This was a network decision. And, you know, I'm okay with it because nothing lasts forever."
News of Robyn's exit first made headlines in late March, as reported by The Jasmine Brand. On the Monday, April 15 episode of the Reasonably Shady podcast, Robyn explained the reason behind her decision to wait to confirm her departure now versus then. "I wanted to speak my own business, my own life, my own news, my own life, my own news, and I wanted to share it out of my own mouth when the time was appropriate.
"And I felt like the appropriate time would be once season 8 of The Real Housewives of Potomac was finished airing, which it is. now finished airing; the last reunion episode just went off last night. And I wanted to respect the network and respect the show and wait until the season ended, which I think makes sense," she continued.
Robyn's announcement comes shortly after news of Candiace Dillard Bassett's decision to 'take a break' from the franchise which came during the airing of the eighth season's three-part reunion special. Robyn has been a part of the Maryland version of The Real Housewives franchise since the beginning with viewers being privy to a lot of the series' vet's highs and lows, including her tax issues in season five where the reality star owed close to $90,000 in back taxes, and her engagement and subsequent remarriage with on-again-off-again partner turned husband Juan Dixon.
Some of the pair's trials as a couple became the center of controversy when cheating rumors swirled and the Dixons maintained a united front with both of them vehemently denying any outside affairs. In a slightly controversial move in 2023 following a season of denials of Juan's alleged infidelities, Robyn placed her transparency behind a podcast paywall instead of airing it out on the show, a decision that might have been seen as the beginning of the end for the 45-year-old.
The Real Housewives of Potomac has sparked much criticism over the years, largely stemming from viewers feeling as though the reality show suffers from colorism and perceived favoritism shown to particular cast members depending on skin tone and the emphasis on "fake" storylines instead of focusing on what is real amongst the group of women.
Some of those pain points were explored during the latest season's reunions with the cast members not getting very far in understanding their colorism experiences. "There's no better group of Black women on the Bravo network to talk about that than us," fellow housewife Karen Huger said in the explosive conversation in the second part of the reunion special.
"No, actually, that's very incorrect," Wendy Osefo interjected at the time, "because if you want to talk about colorism, then you need to have the range to talk about it. And a lot of people on this couch, whether you want to admit it or not, do not have the range."
Candiace has been very vocal about her perspective on colorism as it relates to the cast and it is speculated that that as well as favoritism played a part in the reason she announced her own departure from the Bravo series on March 25 after six seasons. Though she emphasized it was "not a farewell," but a "'see you later.'"
The 37-year-old singer told PEOPLE exclusively, "As I embark on a new chapter after six remarkable years with The Real Housewives of Potomac, I am filled with gratitude for the enriching friendships, personal growth, and moments of introspection that have defined this journey."
She continued, "With a whirlwind of new opportunities and responsibilities on my plate, I have decided to take a break from RHOP."
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Featured image by Mindy Small/Getty Images