A Beginner’s Guide To Anal Sex
I'll be real here–I get pleasure from a little pain. As a result of that, I can be a bit of a masochist in how I approach things of the sexual nature. I enjoy lovemaking, but rough sex has always been a personal preference.
Anal, or butt sex, kind of nestles on a line in between those two things. Where pain meets pleasure, pleasure meets pain. Anal sex isn't ordinarily a go-to for many couples, mainly because the nature of it is not the seamless penatration and frenzied motions we see porn stars encapsulate so well on film. That kind of pacing is something that has to be worked toward.
Yet, anal sex is increasingly becoming more and more of a facet in our day to day sexual experiences, whether it is an option you want to engage in during that time of the month, in lieu of period sex, or if you're just looking for something a little different than vaginal penetration or oral sex.
The anus is a very erogenous zone of the body and is very sensitive to touch, and thus offers a very pleasurable experience when stimulated. For women, anal sex can promote the stimulation of the g-spot, the clitoral legs, and the cervix due to those nerves being in close proximity to some of our bodies' most pleasurable areas. Some women who might struggle with obtaining an orgasm might find that anal provides a whole new set of sensations that lead to that illustrious vaginal orgasm (in tandem with other forms of stimulation, of course).
However, as previously mentioned, despite what you see play out on your favorite PornHub vid, entering an ass is not the same as entering a vagina.
While the vagina stretches to accommodate the penis naturally, the anus needs a lot more help to become pliable. I refer to the anus as a “ring of fire" because initially when your partner penetrates you, the hardest part is to get the head of his penis past that ring, and a lot of women get thrown off by that feeling of strong discomfort and pressure that they experience and stop altogether.
During my first couple of attempts at anal, I underestimated just how much help my ass needed to accommodate a penis, and even an average sized penis felt gargantuan knocking at that door, so I gave up on anal very easily. I didn't take into account the level of preparation you need before anal to make the ride as smooth as possible. And I mean that literally.
What To Do Before Anal Sex
Having a proper diet and good hygiene practices helps with overall cleanliness down there. I've heard some people go to the extremes of douching as a means to act as an enema, but I can honestly say that if you're eating a good diet, your body does its work enough throughout the day to keep the bowels clean. If you are planning to have anal sex, say “no" to eating at least a few hours prior to intercourse to avoid any unnecessary messiness. Strengthen your muscle control through Kegel exercises to further increase pleasure down there.
Also, consider investing in butt plugs. Some adult novelty stores sell them in a three per pack variety with the small, medium, and large options to train your anus. I had great success using them and gradually increasing in size throughout the week leading up to my first true anal sex experience. The small was about the size of the finger and of course, the large is at least the width of a penis, which made anal easier. Practice makes perfect. It's something you can invite your partner to do with you as well. I use them sometimes during vaginal sex, which makes for a new, more intense experience for the both of us as well.
Related: So Your Man's Not Feeling Your Sex Toys, Here's How to Change That
Foreplay is not a luxury; it's a necessity, and even more so one when partaking in anal. It's important that your partner makes you feel like you're in heaven on earth. He should be catering to your every whim and desire as he crosses deserts to bury his head in the water that is that valley in between your thighs. Also a sensual butt massage does wonders in opening up your body to the pleasure it is about to receive.
"Foreplay is not a luxury; it's a necessity."
During Anal Sex
Lubrication is undoubtedly THE most important part of anal sex. Again, the anus is not the vagina, so it needs a little help. In terms of lubrication, it needs a lot of help. My golden rule with lubrication and anal sex is that there is never too much. Spread it very generously on the penis, even if a condom is being used. Spread it very generously on your ass and anus, spread it very generously on your plug, and have a few practice strokes. There's no such thing as too much lube because the anus does not produce secretions like the vagina does when aroused, and those secretions are important to protect your body while producing the friction that sex creates.
Related: The Wetter, The Better: A Simple Guide to Getting Off With Lube
Relaxation is also incredibly important. Breathe and focus on the relaxation of the anal area opening for your partner. He must enter you as slowly as possible. Remember that ring of fire I mentioned above? My favorite way to be entered anally is in the spooning position, with his arm around me and his lips at the back of my neck. Focusing on his breathing and how delirious those kisses feel at the base of my neck (that's my spot!) help me to relax enough to let him into my body. Some women find distractions in the form of other stimulants work best for them. For example, using a vibrator or having his/her hands find your clit and play with it.
Communication is the last big thing that comes into play with anal sex. My partner knows to always start slow and to allow my ass to adjust to the size of him. He instinctively asks me, “You okay?" I moan my answer. “Can I go a little deeper?" "Can I go a little faster?" Those questions enter the room after how into it I am becomes more obvious. My hips are meeting his thrusts, my moans are echoing off our walls. In other words, hell yes, daddy. We both are on the same page when it comes to what feels good to us and that allows the experience to be all the more pleasurable.
Comfort, arousal, and pleasure should be three of your biggest priorities when engaging in anal sex. It takes time and patience to have anal. Anal sex can be quite an intense and satisfying experience for both parties involved, and is definitely something I think everyone should try at least once.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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