All Wisdom Isn't Wise: Evaluating Which Advice To Take & Which To Shake
It was an abnormally warm spring day when I took my mother to the park to tell her I was moving away.
We sat on a bench facing the rippling river; I was feeling both the weight and promise of a season about to change when my mom offered her go-to line, "Well don't you just want to pray about it a little whi-"
"No, Mom," I cut her off, lovingly. "I already prayed on it. This is what I have to do. I need to grow. I can't do that here."
She nodded in agreement, took a beat, and began laying out ideas to help me fulfill my vision quest.
In that moment, I discovered the power of firmly yet lovingly rejecting advice that does not align with personal convictions - no matter who is offering it.
Vet Your Loved Ones’ Advice Too
It seems painless to blindly follow the advice of those who love you, but as get older, life will show you that it is wisest to evaluate the who, what, where, when, why, and how of everyone's advice first. Yes, that includes Big Mama too.
Real life isn't set up for the age-old idea that we should only take advice from those who love us. In fact, it offers anecdotal proof that we should examine their counsel just as much, if not more than anyone else's.
I'm sure that if it isn't you, you know at least one person who forfeited some of their deepest ambitions under the counsel of those who loved them dearly:
They went through with law school to make their parents proud, knowing acting was their dream.
They married the girl who looked good on paper when they were in love with the girl from around the way.
They had children to make their spouse and family happy when they didn't want children at all.
Parents want their children to experience "better" lives than their own. And sometimes, even our friends don't understand our visions and will advise us based solely upon financial stability and safety. While there is nothing inherently wrong with the desires of our heart, they can pull us out of alignment with our destiny if we receive them blindly when presented at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, or from the wrong motivation.
Advice based on living a "safe" life is meant to be loving. But to live safely leaves so much to be desired in regards to passions and dreams. Safety usually translates to comfort - and comfort doesn't usually produce great things.
My mother's advice to pray about my move wasn't bad advice. It was simply: 1) poorly timed and 2) motivated by fear.
First, I already had the answer I'd prayed for. So, to pray again would be futile. Second, her reason for wanting me to pray was to delay my decision because she was afraid for me to live so far away.
Getting advice is a lot like solving a math test problem. The advice is the answer but in order for it to make sense, you need to show your work, and reasoning.
When receiving advice, ask the person for their reasoning and listen with your mind as well as your heart.
Seek Wisdom From The Courageously Wise
Great lives demand courageous counselors. There must be an element of courage that accompanies any advice. Most of the time we ask for advice when we've got a difficult choice to make, right?
When the fork in the road feels colossal and your answers to life's questions are vague at best, it's crucial to have people in your corner who have faith to believe the impossible and the good sense not to advise you off a cliff. For example, if you're gung-ho to put a down payment on a space for your new business, a courageously wise person might be just as excited about your new venture as you are but she would first pump the brakes and inquire about your business plans, investors, etc.
Courageously wise people take big, giant leaps of faith but they also understand that there are levels to the game of life. They'll be your #1 hype man but they will never let you play yourself by doing too much too soon or skipping key steps on your path.
Listen To Those Who’ve Been Here Before
"Never ask advice of someone with whom you wouldn't want to trade places." - Darren Hardy
If they've not mastered the path you're traveling, why do you need to know what they think?
Don't worry, I'll wait.
That's like asking someone with perpetually poor credit to walk you through the steps to financial freedom. It sounds crazy because it is crazy. Yet, we do it everyday -- allowing friends and family to toss their two terrible cents into the bank of our lives, adding very little value.
Instead, connect with those whose lives are a reflection of achievement in the places you're looking for answers. Just as a receipt is proof of a purchase, please keep in mind when seeking and considering advice that there must be proof of mastery.
What are some of the key takeaways you've learned in either receiving or giving advice? Share them below in the comments!
- It's not all about being clever, where's the wisdom? ›
- The "conventional wisdom" about growing your startup that isn't so ... ›
- When the Crowd Isn't Wise - The New York Times ›
- Is It Worth Being Wise? ›
- The Wisest Quotes on Wisdom | Psychology Today ›
- Wisdom Isn't What You Think It Is, And It Doesn't Always Come With ... ›
Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Stress Awareness Month: Sneaky Workplace Triggers Affecting Black Women, And How To Cope
We all know about the major stress triggers of everyday life, from relationship woes to monthly bills to unexpected emergencies, but there are small, subtle triggers that impact Black women in a big way, especially when it comes to work. It’s good to be aware of these sneaky stressors in order to maximize your day and find ways to incorporate solutions into your self-care routines.
Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
valentinrussanov/Getty Images
How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Charday Penn/Getty Images