What I Learned From Oprah's Advice About Attracting Your Best Partner
Chile, I've been through it! This dating game has got me tiiiied. I feel like I've tried everything to move into my next long-term relationship since my divorce nearly four years ago: from meeting people at networking events, meetup groups, through friends, and eventually humbling myself enough to try these so-called dating apps, I've done it all, but to no avail.
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I even entertained the idea of dating someone from my very distant past, but what I quickly realized is that going backwards in the dating world is essentially a recipe for disaster and reignited heartbreak. Inevitably, I found myself settling for the very things that I said I would NEVER do when I first stepped into the dating scene, but there I was, doing just that.
The amount of times I've encountered damn near every modern dating term--from ghosting, breadcrumbing and being benched--is only eclipsed by the number of times I've felt that the dating world is just not for me. In this big city filled with men who have as many options as they have routes to work, we as women have found ourselves doing the courting. Who has time for that? If you're single and looking, I'm sure you can relate.
And just like that, three years of effort seemed to have breezed by.
I am of a particular age, and while I do have kids, I would love to have another. Two of those things automatically drop me off the radar of many eligible bachelors that already have "the ideal woman" picked out in their heads. When I'm trying to figure things out in my life, I find myself in the rabbit hole of the internet: googling away, trying to understand why I do certain things, why the men that come and go in my life do what they do, how to recover from ghosting...all the things.
While in this rabbit hole, I came across a clip of my mentor-in-my-head Oprah trying to give me some amazing dating advice. She said that being single is "the best time" to do just about anything, even "drop it like it's hot". Auntie recently told E! News:
"It's the best time where you get to make yourself the lover, the friend, the companion, the nurturer, the supporter that you would want. It's the best time...you need to go through that 'oh, oh, oh, I'm dating him, I'm dating him...oh that's good...drop it like it's hot', all that. And then you need a period where you just come down to yourself: that's what you need. And then, when you are ready, HE WILL SHOW UP."
Truth is, this message came right on time. I had just cleaned out my roster, contemplating my next move.
Did I want to get back into the endless swiping game, try something new like speed dating, or finally give that guy a chance even if I know deep down it's not what I want? Thanks to Oprah, I am reminded that I've done all of these things already, but I still wasn't ready to meet the man of my dreams. Maybe it's actually time for me to court to myself. Maybe it's time for me to just sit back, work on all the loose ends that I'm still trying to tie up personally and professionally and learn to just be alone.
If I'm being totally honest, I can say that the reasons why I feel like I've been chasing an unrealistic idea of a relationship are two-fold. On one hand, I saw my ex move on so quickly that not only did it take me by surprise, but I felt like I deserved to move on, too. On the other hand, there is this overwhelming fear of being alone for the rest of my life like many of the women in my family.
However, my fear of being alone is different than being lonely.
I am lonely, but being alone is a much scarier proposition, for me. I've always pictured myself growing old with my best friend, and while I am now much more willing to grow through the loneliness, the mere thought of being alone forever is terrifying.
So, right now, I am willing to continue to work on myself. I have a list of things I need to do just for me that no one else can do for me. And while I've finally healed from the upheaval of divorce, I am still figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and how I'm going to get there.
I've decided to become the love I want to attract.
And while the last three years was the beginning of this process, I know I still have some work to do because I deserve A LOT of love. Deep down I am a hopeless romantic, filled with dreams of fairytales and happily ever afters. But the reality is, once I have worked through all the kinks of my own life and find complete contentment in who I have come to be, then and only then will I be ready for that relationship of my dreams. This is simply the law of attraction at work. I am a big believer in manifestation and universal laws, but clearly the missing piece is my full commitment to these truths.
So, in the meantime, I'll be here working towards my goals, being the best mother I can be, loving on my friends and shining my crown. And when I am ready, "HE WILL SHOW UP!" I'm claiming it!
Related Stories:
- Are You Enjoying Your Own Company Or Spending Time Alone? - Read More
- The Benefits & The Beauty Of Solitude - Read More
- It's Okay to Be Single - Read More
Featured photo by Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl In Motion: Paige Shari Addison Shows Us Why She's The Hostess With The Mostess
Paige Shari Addison is the epitome of an ItGirl, which is why she is one of 100 ladies on xoNecole's inaugural ItGirl 100 list in partnership with Hyundai. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, Paige started her journey as a host in high school by hosting parties. Since then, she has made a career in hosting, from parties to big-name events, and she launched Strictly RNB, a platform for new artists and R&B lovers. Paige reflects on her creative path in the limited video series "ItGirl in Motion."
“My first curated event at Criminal Records was incredible. It was all for up-and-coming artists,” she says. “I needed a platform for us as a collective to be able to give ourselves the platform instead of asking for it, instead of looking for it. I was like, I want to make sure I let people get this experience that I would give as a performer but enjoy the experience with them. It was a dream come true.”
The Atlanta native also has her own line of acai bowls called Soulfull Bowls. She started it during the pandemic after events and parties shut down. But it was her love for eating acai bowls and the reactions others had to them that made her want to make it her next business move. Being open to creating new ventures in the midst of uncertainty is a bold move and one of the reasons why Paige has the “it” factor.
“Being an ItGirl means you’re just authentic. There’s an air to us. We have confidence that exudes from the way we speak, the way we put our lip gloss on, the way we walk, the way we talk. I show up as myself everytime I walk into a room. I’m hospitable, I make sure everybody’s good,” she says.
Get to know more about the hostess with the mostess in the video above.
See our ItGirl 100 list in full here. Click through the gallery below for some BTS moments of Paige and our partnership with Hyundai.
Director: Mikkoh @mikkoh
Production company: @polly___studio
Producer/AD: Samuel Cho @choboi90
Producer/Tech: Paul Nguyen @paul__winn
DP: Cristian Bernal @cristianbernal
Editor: @30inthemorning
2nd Cam: Paul Nguyen
1st AC: AJ Paug @ajpaug Gaffer: Dennis Albert @dennisalbert_
Audio Mixer: Victor Chavez @vic_the__
PA: Rick Carreno @ispeakrick
PA: Tiffany Do @tivani.doee
BTS Photo: Prime @theartofprime
Car Detail: @sud_studs @slugglobal
Creative Director @hellobosco
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Project Manager @zakk_jullot
Creative Producer @iamkingsheyla
Designers @miacolemxn @noelspiva
@xoNecole
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Feature image by Prime/ @theartof prime