5 Toxic Relationship Habits People Think Are Totally Normal
Unfortunately, there's no guide on how not to be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, many of us go through life worshiping that dizzying, irrational romantic love that somehow finds busting the windows of a car in a fit of tears somewhat endearing. Reality TV leaves us with a false definition of love, Hollywood couples seem to crumble everyday and well our culture’s take on self-love over everything doesn't leave much to be desired.
So, we take what we can get and hold on... no matter what. Only issue is, that’s not love and many of the principles we accept as normal, actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” in our relationships.
Here are five toxic relationship habits MOST people think are totally normal but aren't:
Keeping score.
Imagine there’s a scorecard and each of you keep track of the other’s shortcomings in order to justify current righteousness. When both people in the relationship do this, it becomes a endless fight to see who is less culpable and who owes the other one MORE of an apology.
This is an overall lose-lose situation. Not only are you adding salt to wounds by drudging up past transgressions, but you’re totally dodging the current issue itself. Should this behavior continue, you and your partner will spend more energy on breaking each other down, than building each other up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be in a relationship, you are choosing to accept all their prior mistakes. If you don’t accept this, then ultimately, you do not accept them and should not be in the relationship.
Trying to elicit jealousy to get your partner's attention.
You may be doing this in many different ways. For example, maybe you flirted with someone hoping that your boo might notice. Or, maybe you purposely ignored a text your partner sent while you were hitting the club with friends. You may have taken this one step further and called an ex just to stir the pot and hope that your significant other notices and makes him want to work harder.
Let's assume you “love” your boo–yet you know that these actions aren't “cute,” but in fact will be hurtful and create a feeling of distrust. Maybe your play for attention will even cause your partner to call it quits. Why, then, are you purposely hurting someone you love?
We get it. Once we start dating someone, we want them to think we're the best thing since sliced bread. We want them to maintain our relationship. In saying that, keep in mind that they chose you! There is no need to go above and beyond for attention, when by entering a relationship with you, he/she has said “I'm calling you my girl and taking you off the market, because girl... you’re the bomb.”
Emotional blackmail.
Does your partner consistently behave inappropriately and then blame you for it? Say you catch your man (or woman) red handed, getting a little too close and comfortable with someone else. Instead of apologizing and begging for forgiveness, he’ll immediately blame you for not being there for him, so he entertained other options.
I bet this instantly made you feel guilty and inadequate and wanting to try harder. This is a form of emotional blackmail. Many times, young couples function on a level that isn’t healthy for either party, yet each person seems hell bent at holding on, no matter the cost. Their love for each other and desire to remain in a relationship is stronger than the real, toxic problems they’re facing.
Other situations involving emotional blackmail could look be as simple as your partner making you take responsibility for him or her failing to get ahead in their career. Or blaming each other for being held back financially or having no friends. At the end of the day, this type of behavior leads to only one thing... insecurity. If you believe you’re being emotionally blackmailed, remember this... it’s not your job to take responsibility for another person’s actions. Your partner made their bed and needs to lie in it.
Taking them back again and again.
While Hollywood is littered with couples like Princess and Ray J, Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union, Kobe and Vanessa Bryant, all whom accepted infidelity as a part of life. In other words, let cheating slide... for now. Fact of the matter is, in the real world, cheating is never okay. There are far too many fish in the sea to live in constant mental torment over whether your significant other is where they say they are, etc., etc.
While forgiveness may come easy at first, there’s no guarantee this behavior won’t happen again. After all, you gave them a pass. This isn’t to say that once a cheater, always a cheater. People can change. But once this line has been crossed, it is hard to FORGET. Far too often, this is when resentment creeps in like an undetectable diseases. One that will transform you into someone or something you no longer recognize.
In saying that, should you chose to forgive, forget, and move forward with someone who has cheated, truly FORGIVE. Be patient. Rebuilding trust will take time. Be present and open to work through the pain you are feeling. Dropping hints and other passive-aggressive behavior won't fly here. In order to restore you're relationship, you'll really need to get down to the nitty-gritty, no matter how much it hurts. On the other hand, should you choose to move on, don't waste energy hating the affair partner. Never isolate. Forget revenge and choose rediscovery. After all, hasn’t your ex already stole enough joy?
Basing your relationship on idealistic expectations.
You don’t love someone because they’re “perfect,” so beware of your tendency to “fix” something that isn't broken. At the end of the day, people are who they are. They are perfectly imperfect, just as they should be. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more for someone, but once that crosses the line of trying to manipulate someone into doing something they’re not really feeling, then Houston we have a problem!
[Tweet "Beware of your tendency to "fix" something that’s NOT broken"]
It’s been my experience, that the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier you’ll be. No one in your life will ever act exactly as you hope or expect them to. After all, they are not YOU–they will not love, understand or respond like you, so it is better to love them as they are. Some of the biggest disappointments in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations. Ridding of unrealistic expectations of how someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.
What are some toxic habits that you've let go of to improve your relationship? Let us know in the comments below!
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor