5 Times Your Girlfriends May Have Given You Horrible Dating Advice
If I had listened to my friends' dating advice, I would have been pregnant at 16, married to a scammer with a body count well past a fifth grader's counting ability, or possibly – and I mean this in all seriousness – dead.
As much as our close girlfriends love and care about us, let's face it, sometimes they give pretty crappy dating advice.
Some of them are stuck in fairytale land and believe that every frog or f*#& boy has the potential to be a prince and we just need to hold on a little longer. While other friends are on the opposite end of the spectrum and try their hardest to convince us our man is no good after we tell them he forgot to take out the trash. Somewhere in between there is usually a sound minded happy medium friend, but you often realize you are that friend and the only advice you can trust is your own.
So, if you've ever taken advice from a friend that for some reason didn't sit right in your soul, chances are it may be one of the tips listed below.
1. "He's just playing hard to get, pursue him."
You know that guy. The one you are head over heels with. The one who treats you with indifference. The guy you don't know why you like and you know you shouldn't like him but you just can't stop liking. That guy. Your ego won't allow you to admit that you know he doesn't like you, not really – not enough to pursue you, to call you, to take the time to really get to know you. Yet, for some reason, his name is brought up in every conversation you have with your friends. The mere thought of him is enough to make you smile and you feel anxious and nervous around him. Your friend, bless her heart, is wrong on this one.
Men don't need you to chase them. When a man wants you, he is upfront with what he wants. Even if he is shy, he won't be sending you mixed messages and playing games with your emotions, that's child's play.
[Tweet "When a man wants you, he is upfront with what he wants."]
To your friend, you are an incredible, beautiful, amazing woman, which is why she can't understand why this man isn't behaving that way, but to him, you are not his dream girl, not someone he is willing to turn in his player card for, and ultimately not the one. Instead of wasting time figuring out what is it about you that he doesn't like or how to get him to like you, leave him and the situation alone. You don't need a friend to tell you how he feels about you because you already know it's up to you to use that knowledge to leave a situation that is going nowhere fast.
2. "If you don't, someone else will."
When I was 16, I liked this guy a lot. He asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. He wanted to have sex, I didn't. My friends told me he was a player and if I didn't oblige him, someone else will. I still didn't. The next day, I found out he had been dating a classmate of mine for quite some time and she, along with several other girls I'm sure, had all been sleeping with him. I promptly stopped talking to him and was so happy I didn't listen to my friends' horrible advice. It doesn't matter what it is your friends or anyone else feels like you have to do to keep a man, if you don't feel comfortable doing it, do not do it.
[Tweet "If it doesn't feel right in your soul, it isn't. Trust your gut, your instinct, & first mind."]
In the end, you can be mad at your friends all you want to, but ultimately the decision was yours to make, no one else's. If it doesn't feel right in your soul, it isn't. Trust your gut, your intuition, your first mind – whatever you want to call it, it's typically always right. Instead of further putting yourself in a bad situation, trust yourself, not your friends.
"If he did it before, he will do it again."
Your man got caught flirting with another woman, was disrespectful towards you, forgot to do that one thing he's been saying he would do for months now. In other words, he made a mistake, a mistake that he may or may not have made in the past. A mistake you may have made, or may be making currently. He did something wrong. That in no way should be overlooked or handled as if he did nothing, however does that mean he will continue to do it? No. Does that mean it will never happen again? Also no.
The key is knowing the person you are in a relationship with. If you know he felt horrible about whatever he did wrong and you truly believe him, why not forgive him? Why not give him the same courtesy you would want if you did the same thing? Humans are not perfect, period. That doesn't mean you stay and put up with whatever crap he hands you but you have to know what is worth fighting for and what isn't.
"Go through his phone, computer, sock drawer, pockets, wallets, mama's closet."
No, no, no! Girl, no. I'm not going to lie, I've done it. But how many times have you went through his stuff, found nothing then looked again until you did find something that could be something or could be nothing and stayed anyway? Your grandma was right when she said when you go looking, you find something. That doesn't mean that you should just live in ignorant bliss and be left in the dark about your husband having a whole family that lives in Kalamazoo, but sometimes when we do go looking for something, we easily misconstrue a whole lot of nothing and turn it into something.
When you truly trust your partner, you have no need to go through his belongings and when you don't, your communication should be strong enough that you should be able to verbalize why you are feeling a lack of trust towards him. Going through his stuff is not only detrimental to your own peace of mind, it's deceitful towards him and also illegal in a few states. Sis, don't go to jail trying to be nosey.
"Well my man did this, so yours will too."
First of all, your man is not Man-Man, not your friends man, not her ex-man, he's your man. You know your man, better than any of your friends. Just because someone one of your friends is dating or dated in the past was in a similar situation as the man you are with, does not mean he will behave the same as they did. Well my man cheated so yours will too…He didn't take me back after I did this… He left because I said that...This advice should never be taken to heart. Despite the saying “all men are the same" – surely given by someone who had not experienced all men – men, just like women, are complex creatures. I would argue women are a tad bit more complex, but I digress.
[Tweet "All men are not the same. Men, just like women, are complex creatures."]
All men are not the same, therefore, what worked or didn't work in your friend's situation may not apply to yours. Do what works best for your personal relationship based off the relationship you have and the type of man you are with. Regardless of what worked or didn't work for someone else, ultimately you know what works and what has worked or hasn't worked for you in the past.
As well-intentioned as our friends may be when they give advice, sometimes they clearly miss the mark. No one wants to be the one to tell you, you do look fat in that dress just like we don't want to tell you, he isn't that into you. But just like we know we look fat in that dress, we also know when that guy isn't really feeling us.
So, stick with your guns, wear a dress that makes you look and feel your most beautiful, and don't entertain guys that don't think you're still beautiful even when you wear that horrible dress.
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Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
Photo courtesy
Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
Photo courtesy
The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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