5 Things Being A Never-Been-Married Before Marriage Life Coach Has Taught Me
Before you're tempted to roll your eyes and not read this all the way through, trust me—I've heard it all. Pretty much, not one week goes by when someone hears that I'm a marriage life coach who's never been married before and they say, "How can you offer insights on marriage if you've never been married before?"
My response to that is too long for this article. For now, I'll say two things. One, I'm not a wife but I am a child of more than one divorce. Don't sleep on what kids observe and the takeaways that they glean from their own parents' experiences. Second, being that pretty much half of all marriages end in divorce, what are folks saying? That married people know how to be married? The stats seem to say otherwise. (Just sayin')
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I've learned, sometimes the hard way, that it's not so much someone's "status" that makes them worthy of speaking on certain topics. Wisdom and revelation come in many forms.
A homeless person can offer a great deal of insight on finances. A substance abuser has quite the perspective on self-control. And yes, a single individual can be quite useful in the area of marriage (I've even reconciled a couple of divorced couples along the way!).
In my roughly 10 years of being a life coach, there are a few things that I've learned about marriage. Things that have made me more resolved than ever that it's better to wait until "it"—the person and timing—is right than to get married, just so I can say that I'm not single anymore. Here's what they are:
Vows Are S-E-R-I-O-U-S
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Personal vows are nice. They really are. But a lot of the wedding ceremonies where I've heard them? The couples weren't really vowing anything. Sure, they talked about how they felt and the memories that they shared, but if you're signing up to give someone a front row seat into every aspect of your life, there needs to be some "better or worse" and "until death parts us" stuff said too.
And that's the thing. A vow is serious. It's literally "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment". Marriage is not casual. Marriage isn't even supposed to be temporary. In fact, something I oftentimes say is, "I bet if divorce were illegal, most couples would find a way to make it work." Because I agree with what Lawrence's daddy (from Insecure) said in the season three finale—a lot of relationships don't last because a lot of people don't want to put in the work to make it so.
Vowing until death is a LONG time. It's not until you are mad or tired or "not feeling it anymore". It's supposed to be until death parts you. The people who've been brave enough to have the integrity to honor what they promised on their wedding day will tell you that marriage ain't easy but it will teach you things about yourself—and about love—that you wouldn't learn any other way. That alone makes marriage well worth it.
It's More Important to Be "In Like" Than "In Love"
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If you're an engaged person reading this, PLEASE do yourself a favor and COMMIT to seeing a marriage counselor or therapist at least a couple of times a year. Don't wait until one (or both) of you wants to sign divorce papers to give therapy a shot. I say that because marriage counseling is not some magical solution. It's just a way to offer up another perspective, along with some (hopefully) helpful tips.
One piece of advice that I have to offer is this—care about being in like far more than being in love; especially during the tough times.
I say that because "in love" is oftentimes feelings-oriented, and since human beings are emotional creatures, feelings are always subject to change. "In like" on the other hand is about friendship—trust, humor, mutual respect, support…liking the other person.
Whenever I have a couple who are at their wit's end, I find that so long as they still like each other, I can help get them back to being in love. When it's the other way around? Not so much. Because feelings without a foundation of friendship leaves…not much at all to stand on.
Your Sex Life (or Lack Thereof Speaks VOLUMES) About Your Relationship
I once heard someone say that good sex is 10 percent of a marriage while bad sex is 90 percent of it. Why? Because the bedroom tends to set the tone for the rest of the rooms in the house. Sex isn't just about gettin' off (although that is one of the best parts of it, no doubt!). It's also about communication, intimacy, and establishing/maintaining a real connection.
Another way to look at this is, sex doesn't "make love", sex celebrates it.
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That said, listen, I don't care how much a couple claims they're in a healthy marriage. If the sex is lacking (if it's something they do once every couple of months even though they are physically capable of having it more), they're not doing as well as they should be. Not by a country mile.
All of this reminds me of what I once heard a woman who'd been married to her husband for over 60 years say. When she was asked what made her relationship with her husband so different from her other relationships, she matter-of-factly said, "We have sex. I don't screw any of my other friends."
Let the church say "Amen."
If You're a Bad Forgiver, You'll SUCK at Marriage
Reverend Billy Graham's wife Ruth Graham Bell once said, "Marriage is the union of two good forgivers." Hmph. Let me tell it, one of the main reasons why so many marriages don't succeed is because one or both people missed the entire memo on this.
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No matter how awesome a person is, they are still a human being and human beings make mistakes. Not every once in a while, either. So, if you're someone who holds grudges, doesn't let go of the past, or only forgives on your terms and you're married—you probably should've stayed single.
How do you know if you are a good forgiver? You don't do the silent treatment thing. You're intentional about talking things out to come to a mutual resolve. You don't withhold affection or attention as a form of punishment. You don't bring the same stuff up over and over again. (This one is sooooo important) You forgive your spouse the same way you'd want them to forgive you.
If you're rolling your eyes at any of this and you are married? Good luck in staying married. If you're single and rolling your eyes—stay single.
Marriage Is Still Beautiful (And Relevant And Necessary)
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I keep hearing that millennials are finding marriage to be obsolete. That's a shame because there is something about having a person who promised before your family, friends—and don't forget about God—that they would have your back, no matter what, until you take your last breath.
From where I sit, marriage isn't the problem. Choosing the wrong partner, having an immature concept of love, being selfish, not wanting to put in the work, being delusional about marriage—these are the real issues. (Or, as one man who'd been married 40 years once told me, "The problem with you young girls is you pick irresponsible men. I would never leave my wife, period." WHEW-WHEE.)
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I don't know about you, but whenever I see a senior couple walk hand-in-hand, my heart melts. No matter what they've been through, they chose to stay. That's marriage. And to me, that is absolutely beautiful.
Sitting in countless marriage life coaching sessions has shown me that. It's taught me to honor marriage and to remain single until I can mean everything I just said. And for that, I am truly grateful.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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