5 Reasons Your Self-Care Routine Isn't Working For You
Something that's cool about everything about xoNecole — from the xoTribe of writers to our fabulous readers — is we are all individuals and aren't short of having different opinions about, well, everything.
But if there's one thing I think we can all agree on, it's the fact that self-care shouldn't be treated like a trending topic that we read on our favorite websites. Self-care should be an absolutely non-negotiable necessity. There are a billion reasons why, but the one that tops the list is if we don't take good and consistent care of ourselves, how can we possibly do that for anyone else? (That's not a rhetorical question, by the way. The answer is we can't.)
But like just about everything else in life, in order for self-care to be its most effective, we need to create the kind of regimen and routine that works for us exclusively. Otherwise, even if our intent is to take good care of ourselves, our so-called self-care plan could actually end up doing more harm than good.
How could you possibly be approaching self-care in a way that is literally working against you? You might be surprised.
You’re Going Way Over Budget
A spa day is great. You know what else is awesome? Having electricity in your house. If whatever you're doing in the name of self-care is causing you to be impulsive with your money or even reckless with your time, it's something you need to be making some serious adjustments to.
For instance, I know someone who is constantly telling me that she is fine without having a self-care routine in her life. Oh, but let her boss piss her off on Monday and she's spending $200 she doesn't have on a massage that following Thursday. While that might be releasing some physical stress, it's only adding to her financial stress.
Good self-care takes care of all areas of our lives.
The lesson here — if your self-care routine doesn't have a budget, it's time to create one. Oh, and if you know you spend more on spa days than you should, sites like RetailMeNot have lots of spa-related promo codes that can take some of the financial pressure off.
You’re Doing What’s Trendy Instead Of What Actually Works (For You)
Everything has trends, including self-care. In 2019, some of them include workout bands, goat's milk soap, Ayurveda, organic wine, and ginger oil. All of that is cool but I really like the sulfur soap that I use and sweet almond oil is one of my best friends on the planet. So what if they're not trending? They work for me.
Trying new things is how we grow but you'll never settle into what works for you if you're constantly reading what's popular in the media world (or even if you're always listening to what your friends think you should be doing). Case in point. I've got a friend who does nothing more than take an hour-long bubble bath and drink wine while she's in it since I've known her. But that works for her. And that's great.
Self-care trends don't work for everyone because each of us is unique. It's fine to research what's hot but it's also OK to reject it because when it comes to what works for you, they're…not.
(By the way, if you're looking for some self-care inspiration, download "100+ Resources Every Woman Needs to Live Her Best Life" over at BeFreeProject.com.)
You Aren’t Paying Attention to the Different Categories of Self-Care
Getty Images
Speaking of trends, a part of the reason why a lot of us tend to focus on only the physical aspect of self-care is because that's what the media talks a lot about. But if you want to be thorough in your self-care approach, it's important to do what's not only good for your body but your mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, and even professional well-being too.
A form of mental self-care is going on a social media fast or spending a weekend doing nothing but chilling on the couch at home.
A form of emotional self-care is setting boundaries in your relationships or writing down 10 things you like about yourself (and posting them on your bathroom mirror).
A form of spiritual self-care is meditating in the mornings or volunteering at a local non-profit.
A form of psychological self-care is using a therapist to deal with an unhealed wound(s) or getting a life coach to help you to put certain things in order.
A form of professional self-care is decorating your work space or getting the assistance of a recruiter in order to find a job that's a better fit for you.
Out of all of the ways that self-care routines can backfire, paying attention to only one kind of self-care is probably the biggest.
It Feels Less Like Fun and More Like an Obligation
I'll be honest. When you first start implementing a self-care regimen into your life, it might seem a little like work. Some of us are so used to doing anything and everything but taking care of ourselves that it can feel foreign. But after three months or so, if you're not actually looking forward to your self-care practices, that's a red flag.
Me? I am an essential oils and herbs junkie. What I don't like is, people I don't know rubbing on me. I have friends who can't imagine life without massages, so they would send me massage certificates. I finally had to tell them that while I was grateful for the thought, I didn't really like to get touched on by strangers. I know. Some of y'all just read that and think that I am totally insane. But that's kind of my point.
The only thing that's a one-size-fits-all reality about self-care is we all need it.
But if whatever we're doing is not fun and relaxing, we need to be doing something else.
You’re Not Being Consistent
Really. What's the point in getting your nails or eyebrows done if you're only going to do it once in a blue moon? Inconsistent self-care not only keeps you from looking and feeling your best, but it also conveys the message to your mind that you're not important enough to make yourself a priority.
One of my consistent self-care routines is I'm a traditional Sabbath-observer. My friends and clients know that from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset, I'm off of the grid. Because I use that 24-hour window of time to really rest, each and every week, it makes dealing with the stressors that come up afterward so much easier. I can't imagine what my tolerance level would be like without consistently implementing the Sabbath into my life.
When it comes to being a self-care master, consistency is definitely key. Take care of you, consistently. That's the only way self-care truly works.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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- Why Your Self-Care Isn't Working | Psychology Today ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Eva Marcille Gets Real About Having To Rediscover Herself Following Divorce: 'I’m Not The Wife Anymore'
Eva Marcille is on the road to rediscovery following her divorce from Michael Sterling. The former couple was married for almost five years and share three children together, including the model’s eldest daughter, Marley Rae, whom Michael helped raise. The divorce has had a profound effect on her, which caused her to lose weight.
She received a lot of criticism for her weight loss following a photo she posted on Instagram, which resulted in her turning off the comments. During her recent appearance on the Tamron Hall Show, Eva spoke about the negative comments and life after divorce.
“I went through a divorce last year. Anyone who’s been through a divorce knows that divorce is hard. It’s like the stomach flu; you will be skinny afterward. If you drop a 200 lb person, you’re gonna drop at least 30 lbs,” she explained. “So, for me, I lost weight just naturally going through life, and I found myself depressed before my divorce, through my divorce, trying to just navigate and rediscover who am I.
“I’m not the wife anymore, not someone’s someone. I’m someone’s mom, but if I took the mom away, if I took Madam (her All The Queen’s Mencharacter) away, if I took Top Model away, like who is Eva? Who am I? And making sure that I prioritize knowing that character and building that.”
While the actress never specified why she ended her marriage to Michael, court documents said their marriage was “irretrievably broken” and “there are no prospects for a reconciliation.” Talking to Tamron, Eva shared that she is still hurting.
“This was my forever. My parents were married for 42 years, my grandparents died two months apart, like marriage forever, all my aunts and uncles, all my brothers are married. I’m like the black sheep,” she said. “It’s just, it was different, and the words hurt. What I can say is though I will be positive, I will find my cup half full always, it still hurts. It does.”
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Feature image by Derek White/Getty Images