Some Highly Overlooked Qualities You Should Look For In Your Future Husband
Recently, while I was being interviewed on the topic of relationships, someone asked me if it bothered me to be my age and still single. You know what's interesting? When I was in my late 20s with a boyfriend who hadn't yet proposed, I was bothered. During points in my 30s when I wasn't sure if I wanted to birth kids or not, I was bothered. Now? Absolutely not.
It's no secret that I haven't had sex since I was (whew) 32 and that I'll be 45 soon. One of the things this time of abstinence has done for me is helped me to purge the personalities that came with the people I slept with out of my system (oxytocin is the ultimate super glue, y'all!).
Something else it did was help me get to know who I am sans the preoccupation of being in a relationship. For the first time since, probably ever, I'm very clear on who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and also what I not only desire but expect from my future husband should I ever jump a broom someday.
The things on this list that I'm about to share with you? They're not your typical kinds of characteristics. They're more like…things that I overlooked in the past; things that, either the lack of them have turned out to be major issues in the marriages of couples I work with or they're things that, if they are not present, I already know I won't be fully satisfied with my own union someday.
They're things that go way beyond he's gotta look good, be good in bed, and a protector and provider. All of those are relevant but these right here are what will keep me in the game until death parts him and me.
5 Qualities To Look For In A Husband
1.Empathy
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I'm telling you, when you spend time looking within rather than out at other people (mainly men in this case), you can discover so much about yourself; things that will help you to really know when you've met the right one for you and your life.
Me? Something I discovered, not too long ago, is that I'm an empath. I feel things…deeply. That's why I now get that I expect to be with an empathetic person—someone who is a good listener; someone who puts the needs of others before his own; someone who has natural leadership skills; someone who isn't desensitized to other people's pain…someone who has a strong sense of discernment, doesn't mind spending time alone (because Lord knows I sometimes need it) and puts real effort into trying to see my perspective of things, whether we're debating politics or having an argument about money.
Empathetic people tend to be kind, sensitive, and fully present. I think A LOT of women underestimate how important this quality in a man really and truly is.
2.Proactiveness
LIS-TEN. I didn't put these in the order of importance, but if there is one quality that I didn't require in the past from pretty much any guy I had a relationship or situationship with but is now a total deal-breaker if it's lacking, it was this one. Rather than being proactive, most of the men in my life were reactive. You know what I'm talking about—they tried to make up missing my birthday (reactive) or they'd do something thoughtful after I would bring up that I couldn't remember the last time that they had (reactive).
A reactive man can keep you on the hook for a while because if they go to extreme measures to fix things, you can feel like matters will improve. But the reason why this no longer works for me personally is because a proactive man is going to demonstrate that you're on his mind, that he wants to please you, and that you're so much of a priority that he doesn't need your help (reminders included) to show you just how much you mean to him. He's gonna be thoughtful and on top of things all on his own.
Proactiveness is a superpower and sexy as all get out. Chile, chile…CHILE.
3.Purpose Support
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Something that I make sure to bring up in premarital counseling sessions with couples is that it's important that their purposes complement one another. I'm not saying that they should be the same; I'm saying that they should work together in a way where both are giving the space and support to truly thrive.
A woman who wants a man with a set 9-to-5 schedule doesn't need to marry an entertainer (trust me, their schedules are all over the place; their income tends to be too). A man who wants a traditional housewife needs to think long and hard about being with an entrepreneur (her ambition may clash with his expectations).
So many people—people who truly love one another—end up straight-up resenting each other, all because they feel like their partner is not (pardon the corniness, but it's the first thing that came to mind) the wind beneath their wings but a huge stumbling block.
Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." My husband needs to celebrate my birthday and support my purpose. Both are non-negotiable. Your husband should do the same. Because if you're married but because of the obstacles from your husband, you're unable to soar in the very lane of why God put you here in the first place…what kind of marriage is that?!
4.Appreciation
I don't know about you, but I love hard and I give a lot. I don't have to think about it, it's just who I am. But in the past, rarely did I feel truly appreciated for my efforts. I allowed both men and women to manipulate me into thinking that expecting such a thing meant that my motives for giving were wrong in the first place.
Whatever. Someone who benefits in a relationship who doesn't express gratitude is rude. And if you let them get away with it for too long, that can transfer over into them having a sense of entitlement when it comes to your time, resources, effort, and everything else.
Appreciative people say "thank you." Appreciative people let you know that you matter to them. Appreciative people aren't comfortable with one-sided relationships (they are all about reciprocity). Appreciative people are generous.
I can only imagine how many marriages would avoid their local divorce court if husbands and wives felt truly (and consistently) appreciated.
5.Spiritual Maturity
For me and what I personally expect, I'm saving the best for last. Intellect and wit are huge turn-ons for me, so I never really lacked in those departments with guys. But spiritual maturity? Don't. Get. Me. Started.
I must say that this one right here runs the gamut. I'd like someone who will pray with and for me without my prompting him to. I'd like someone who has such a strong relationship with the Most High that it's one of his most attractive qualities. I'd like someone who finds his spiritual growth and development to be more important than how successful he becomes or how much money he makes. I'd like someone who is intentional about avoiding the people, places, things, and ideas that would tamper with his spirit, my spirit. or our union.
There's one more thing. I adore the Hebrew language and the Hebrew word for spirit is "ru'ach." It means "wind." Wind is air that naturally blows in a horizontal direction. Here comes the wind beneath my wings reference again. I want the kind of man who, due to how mature he is in his spirituality, I can directly attribute his presence and influence to my going to new heights in every area of my own world.
At this stage of my life, I am so serious about my spirituality that I don't just want it—I expect it.
Again, I've seen so many marriages lack in these five areas, that I really do believe these are things that all of us should expect. But even if you don't, I unapologetically do.
It takes a rare and special man to be empathetic and proactive and supportive of my purpose and appreciative and spiritually mature. I desire a rare and special marriage. I can wait. It'll be worth it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It Girl In Motion: Paige Shari Addison Shows Us Why She's The Hostess With The Mostess
Paige Shari Addison is the epitome of an ItGirl, which is why she is one of 100 ladies on xoNecole's inaugural ItGirl 100 list in partnership with Hyundai. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, Paige started her journey as a host in high school by hosting parties. Since then, she has made a career in hosting, from parties to big-name events, and she launched Strictly RNB, a platform for new artists and R&B lovers. Paige reflects on her creative path in the limited video series "ItGirl in Motion."
“My first curated event at Criminal Records was incredible. It was all for up-and-coming artists,” she says. “I needed a platform for us as a collective to be able to give ourselves the platform instead of asking for it, instead of looking for it. I was like, I want to make sure I let people get this experience that I would give as a performer but enjoy the experience with them. It was a dream come true.”
The Atlanta native also has her own line of acai bowls called Soulfull Bowls. She started it during the pandemic after events and parties shut down. But it was her love for eating acai bowls and the reactions others had to them that made her want to make it her next business move. Being open to creating new ventures in the midst of uncertainty is a bold move and one of the reasons why Paige has the “it” factor.
“Being an ItGirl means you’re just authentic. There’s an air to us. We have confidence that exudes from the way we speak, the way we put our lip gloss on, the way we walk, the way we talk. I show up as myself everytime I walk into a room. I’m hospitable, I make sure everybody’s good,” she says.
Get to know more about the hostess with the mostess in the video above.
See our ItGirl 100 list in full here. Click through the gallery below for some BTS moments of Paige and our partnership with Hyundai.
Director: Mikkoh @mikkoh
Production company: @polly___studio
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Audio Mixer: Victor Chavez @vic_the__
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@xoNecole
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