Why Being Over 40 And Still Single Is Not The Red Flag You Think It Is
I feel the need to preface all of this by saying that, yes, I am single, over 40, and have never been married.
No, it does not make me a red flag when it comes to me being perceived as “dateable" or “un-dateable". I think it is only fair that I debunk a few assumptions typically affiliated with women of my status:
One: I do want to get married someday.
However, divorce runs more-than-rampant in my family and I have no desire to continue the tradition. I'm being selective in my choice and if that means getting married at 60 and dying at 80, hey, it was still a good 20-year run. I'm good with that.
Two: It's not for a lack of opportunity.
As a marriage life coach, I've seen people “talk themselves into" getting married whether it's because they're horny, their biological clock is ticking, they're afraid to be alone, or they think they can't do better than the one who asked. Listen, if you have to convince yourself to marry someone, you both deserve better.
And more.
Three: It wasn't in my plans to be 42 and still single.
However, I do a lot of research and I know that getting married under 25 doesn't bring the best results. I also know that biblically, 30 symbolizes “maturity for ministry" so somewhere in the 30s is a really nice age to even start to consider marriage, especially when it comes to men. Plus, sometimes life is just so MUCH, so FULL, and so DEMANDING, that time flies.
So, with all of that out of the way, I'm going to spare you a hyper-defensive rant about how I don't need a man or want one. I love men! I need and want one. Just not in a needy way and being in my 40s helped to bring me to that place of peace where I can see myself needing a man without any of the needy behaviors that once came with it.
Below are the lessons I learned along the decades about love and relationships and ultimately why I am OK with waiting for the love I deserve:
When you're in your 20s, you want someone who is cute.
This doesn't apply to all 20-somethings, but it was my (and my friends at the time) personal experience that during that decade, you're still trying to figure out who the heck you are. Sometimes, unfortunately, you'll allow others---whether it's unhealthy friends, bad boyfriends, or the media---tell you who you are. And if you believe the lying hype and you don't think you're pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough, whoever tells you that you are, you're so thankful for their validation that you settle. Or, you don't think you're attractive, so you go on a mission to find someone who comes in a pretty package to prove that you're not as ugly as you think you are.
20-somethings reading this, listen: I dated a lot of cutie pies. They about took my uterus out. Aim higher.
When you're in your 30s, you want a relationship.
Honestly, for me, my 30s was about healing from my 20s! No joke. And when you're in the process of getting your own self (back) together, it's an act of love to do it in solitude. The “broken you" tends to see life very differently than the whole you. That means you tend to be attracted to different kinds of people too. My last boyfriend was around 31. We stopped having sex when I was 32. I liked the comfort of being in a relationship, but it always felt like something was missing.
And there was.
In your early 30s, you realize you want a relationship. In your late 30s, you realize you want an awesome relationship---or not one at all. At least those of us who've learned from our past come to this conclusion.
When you're in your 40s, you want someone who can fix your car.
It's funny but true. Although I'm in my early 40s and I'm sure I'll have some revelations at 50 about this statement, for now I know this: In your 40s, you've been there/done that more than you'd like to admit. You've seen the romantic chick flicks and had your fair share of trying to imitate them in real life. Now you're more practical. You still want love. You still desire passion. Shoot, I've been not gettin' any for too long now to not expect some mind-blowing sex!
But you want someone who complements your life, who you can be honest with about your dreams, and who will rub your feet when you've been grinding the payment all day.
Someone who you won't have to worry about calling AAA about regarding your car because he's got the solution, who you can pillow talk with, pray with, conquer the world better together than apart with.
Looks are a bonus.
Character means more.
Charming is not a priority.
Being spiritually solid is.
Mature, proactive, intentional. These are the words you find yourself using when describing what you're looking for.
My 40s have brought me to this place – a place of not wanting the fairy tale, a place of wanting to be a whole woman with a whole man in a real love.
My being 42 and not married is not some red flag. It's a badge of honor. Real talk.
I wrote a book about my over 10 and under 15 sex partners, and four abortions in my first bookInside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
Although I've made some mistakes, I've been abstinent for going on a decade now. To get something you've never had, do something you've never done, right? These four decades taught me some things, that have made me, me.
My being 42 and not married is a blessing. For my present self and my future beloved.
Same goes for any other woman who can feel me.
Do you feel me?
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images