Dating

10 Reasons To Love Being 30 And Single

We're supposed to have it all in our 30s, aren't we?


And by "it all," we mean the fantastic career, the financial stability, the kids, the dog, and of course, the husband to keep us warm at night. Everyday, more and more women challenge what a successful life looks like and that goes double for the love lives we choose to lead.

Just in case you're feeling a little left behind as a single woman approaching 30 or in her 30s, below are 10 reasons that being single and ready to mingle in your 30s isn't the romantic kiss of death we once feared it was:

1. You Trust Logic Above All Else

You get to choose. No really, you get to make a well informed decision on who you partner with. While your heart is still in the game, the intelligence and wisdom you garnered over the years is also in full swing. Although you may have been led solely by your heart or your hmmm - let's say, lady parts - in the past, this time around you have much more control over “Her" and she is probably the last part of you that has a say.

2. You See The Positives In Past Relationships

You realize your past loves completely made you grow. As scumbaggish as they may have seemed at the time, they added some fabric to the woman that you are and you become grateful. You are grateful for the lessons that you learned and at the same time, grateful that you were spared from a lifetime with him.

3. You Are Real About What You Want

The 30+ dating scene is absolutely awesome! It is like a game of chess, or checkers, or spades, or whatever you like to play. And guess what? Everyone in the game knows that they are in it and what they are in it for! Communication between potential partners become very clear, intentions are set almost immediately, and there are no guessing games! If you like each other, you decide together on your next move. If you don't well, boy bye (in the friendliest, it was great meeting you, type of way possible).

4. You Don't Fall For Your Old Type

Relative to number 3, you know who is for you! You know what you are looking for, you have a gauge on what your type is, and you have an understanding on the type that you should absolutely stay away from. You are consciously aware of who to share your precious time with, because let's face it, in all this making of you, you ain't got time for that (yes, I said ain't).

5. You Start To Chill All The Way Out

You stop being in a dating rat race, you stop recanting the broken hearts, you stop being anxious about whether or not he calls, you just stop and decide that if he is for you, he will be for YOU and the rest becomes history.

6. You Build On Your Twenties Foundation

You come to the realization that your twenties were all about laying down your foundation; realizing that you have to continue to build or that what you have built is pretty solid, you are no longer willing to settle for someone bringing nothing to the table. Your eye is on the prize for a GOOD MAN and you know just what a good man is! Now, where the picking at this point is pretty slim – due to the women who were patient enough to see their men through success and maturity into his 30s – you also realize, that you've got some competition, but you also now have patience and time, which inevitably means, you become #FIERCE. Bomb.com!

You become THAT woman for THAT man, yes him, he who you want, even if not visible, you get ready. You hit the church, mosque, synagogue, temple, the therapist, the salon, the mall, the gym, the library, the internet, your mama, great grandma, your exes, and wherever else you may be able to go, in order to collect the tools needed to work on and develop YOU. You become the greatest version of yourself, so that your man will present himself to you, as the greatest version of himself.

7. You're Okay With Being Single

Regarding competition, after being tired of hearing people ask why you don't have a man all throughout your twenties, getting depressed about it, crying yourself to sleep about it, and getting in terrible relationships because of it, you start to think about just how great your man will be. I mean why go through all of that to wind up with someone less than what you want? You start looking at who has been taken and who is left and suddenly decide that your him will be the King of all Kings and that your love will be the love of all love, if not for you, for the world and the furthering of mankind (ok, maybe this is going too far, but this is how my brain works).

8. You No Longer Fear Rejection

Rejection becomes laughable, no literally, laughable. You call your homegirls and have conversations like this, “Girrrl he was sooo mad, I mean it was really just one date," or “Girl he said he didn't like my ankles, guess I'll get me some new ones". It just becomes fun and not stab in the heart, send me back to my bed, under my covers weeping in pain and devastation, every single time it happens like (yep, nope, I'll plead the fifth on this one).

9. You Rise Above All Of The Advice Catered to Single Women

Blog posts telling women how to get a man no longer infuriate you, they too become laughable. It's like really dude, you Sir or Madam, may have a few things to work on yourself… insert side eye, emoticon… (I will save my professional opinion on “relationship experts" for the sake of entertaining reading, but let's just say, Freud said that… oh, never mind).

10. You Flourish In Love

Relationships become universal and you start loving everyone deeply. Your lovely is no longer garnered towards the search for just one person, instead it spreads universally. You fall in love with the universe, just as deeply as you fall in love with yourself. You love your pets, the mailman, bus driver, trees, flowers, the world with the same openness and joy you readily give to someone romantically. You finally realize that you have the ability to love your future someone just as deeply. You are ready for his love.

What are lessons in love that have guided you in dating in your 30s? Let us know in the comments below!

Niama T. Malachi, PsyD, 32, Author of "A Hip Hop State of Mind" holds a Doctorate in Applied Clinical Psychology. Her research and writing is based on Social Psychology, practices and principles. She is a current member of the American Psychological Association's Society for the Psychology of Women.

Sign up today and be the first to get notified on new updates, exclusive events, retreats and giveaways!

More Posts

Every now and then, the ripple effect of revolution can be felt.

Keep reading... Show less

The name of the game this year is to know your worth and demand it.

Keep reading... Show less

There's something to be said about a woman that goes after what she wants.

Keep reading... Show less

In 2011 -- a year following my divorce, I met a young man who I felt could mend my heart.

He was tall, dark, handsome, well spoken and well liked -- everything a girl could dream of on paper. In the beginning there was light, a light of hope for a new love. But as time went by, the relationship spun into darkness. Whether it was the dish I cooked, shirt I picked out, or the way I answered him, it was as if nothing I did was good enough. In fact, his dissatisfaction only made me want to work harder and do more to please.

I recall times when he'd squeeze my wrist a little too hard in public as a warning, leaving bruises -- but it was my fault because I was fragile or bruised "easily." Or the time he dislocated my shoulder and I had to lie to my child because I didn't want her to worry. Each time letting him come back because he appeared to be remorseful and willing to change. But that was only the beginning.

In 2012, I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I had just lost my job and I was struggling to pay the rent. To top it off, the father of my child had given me an ultimatum (as he was "not ready" to be a father)... it was "him or the baby." So, as you can imagine, I was struggling with the decision of bringing a beautiful new babe into my chaotic world. After all, I was already a single mother with one divorce under my belt, living check to check -- now couch surfing, all the while awaiting the big day. I felt as if the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders -- better yet, my chest!

Although I told my ex where he could put his ultimatum, he came back around to see our child's birth. And while my gut told me to "RUN" in the other direction, I took him back out of fear. Fear of what I thought would be failing yet another child. "You can't do this alone," he said. "You need me," he said. I believed him. For a few months, things appeared to be different. Until the pressure of fatherhood began to sink in. Then the drinking, cheating, lying, and abuse began to resurface.

Oddly enough, it took one fight (like so many before) to get me to LOOK UP. "You don't do sh*t for your kids," he said. "I don't even want to be here but now we have this baby." -- "I gave you an ultimatum but I'm still here. So why wouldn't you want to make it work?" he continued. As if he was doing me a favor.

Holding my baby close, I quickly scanned the room at the home I had built for "us." It was MY blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this home, I thought to myself. At that moment, I knew I'd be damned if I allowed this to continue. I would never want this for my daughters, so why am I endorsing it for myself?

As he proceeded to punch the wall, it was as if the three years preceeding the fight flashed before my eyes. I pictured myself laying on the ground in shock like years before... but this time, it was my child crying beside me. "He's got to go," I whispered to myself. With tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking, and my body quivering in fear, I opened the front door and with everything in me yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

A few insults later, he managed to make it out the front door and I hit the floor... in prayer. I was ashamed. Not just because I saw this coming. But because I had been here too many times before. Although I am a different person today. There are still some days where I wish I could go back an avoid all of the pain.. much of which I am still working through today.

So, as part of the healing process, I've created a list of dating advice I'd give my younger self:

Fall in love with yourself first.

Don't spend your days in search of a partner to "complete" you. Discover what makes you SPIRITUALLY, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole first and foremost. Then, when you do meet someone special, ask yourself, "Is this person adding or subtracting from my life" -- "Do they build me up or break me down?" I think Oprah said it best. Don't spend your life searching for the perfect person. Work to make yourself the perfect person for YOU, and then... only then, will "the right person be drawn to you based upon the work that you put out."

[Tweet "First, discover what makes you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole."]

If someone tells you're they're not good for you, believe them and RUN.

You cannot save everyone! While mending the brokenhearted is practically embedded in your DNA, people are who they are. Some people are going to destroy themselves, no matter how much you try to "help" them. If someone says that they are "no good" for you, or "trouble," take that at face value and run the other way. Just because you are open and capable of love does not mean the one you "want" is ready for love. You will deplete yourself by trying to "heal" this person -- which in the end, will do you more harm than good.

Trust your intuition.

It's trying to protect you! Never stop sharing your love; that's why you were put on this Earth. But sometimes real love means saying goodbye. It takes much more courage to let something go than it does to hold tight -- or try to "fix" it. Letting go doesn't mean you're ignoring the situation. It simply means you're accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, opposition, or desire for control.

[Tweet "Trust your intuition. It's trying to protect you."]

Talk it out!

As difficult as this may be sometimes, do NOT keep your feelings bottled up! People are not mind readers. They should not have to jump through hoops to uncover when and how they have wronged you. Pass on the fit of tears over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and open the floor to a grown-up discussion at an appropriate time in private. Learn how to separate the person from the issue. Be soft on the person but firm on the issue. If you want to find long-term relationship success, you're going to have to learn how to communicate.

Forgive yourself.

Life didn't come with instructions. You are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. You are here NOW with the power to shape your tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal. The key to breaking free from your broken self, is baby steps -- taking it one day at a time. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is painful doesn't mean tomorrow won't be great. You WILL get there.

What advice would you give your younger self? Do share!

Keep reading... Show less

I used to struggle to get out of bed every morning, and would often hit the snooze button to get a bit more sleep. I was trapped in that cycle for years, until someone recommended yoga to me. Since practicing it every morning, my life hasn't been the same.

Keep reading... Show less